Here. At Last.

It's been so long. I tried writing a blog about a month ago, and it wasn't coherent.

I'm trying again. It's been 15 months since I had my girl. 15 months today actually. Maybe my brain is just starting to figure out what it's doing. I've tried to write a blog about all of my daughter's health issues and what I've learned, but I haven't been able to figure out how to word it and format it so that it actually offers encouragement to you. If you are a mom battling tongue ties, GERD, and allergies or any other feeding issues; I would love to sit across from you over a cup of coffee and give your hand a squeeze. I've learned quite a few things, and I still have far more to learn; and I would love to impart what I've learned to you. But my fingers haven't yet found the connection to type it out onto the keys. Perhaps it's too fresh still.

So, here I am at a little coffee shop in Greencastle on a sunny October day. Yes. Vivian is doing much better. My daughter is thriving now. In fact, yesterday the sweetest moment occurred, a moment that helped me to realize how far we've come. How big she is growing. The little heart shining through. The sleepless nights already paying off.

"Vivian, I love you," I said into the backseat, as we pulled out of the Aldi parking lot.

"I love you too," Vivian whispered under her breath.

Tears came to my eyes. Did my 15-month-old speak that entire sentence? But I know she had. This is a moment I would never forget.

What have I learned since I became a mom? I have no idea. Maybe one of the only things I've learned is that I do much better as a mom if I spend the first part of my day with God. For a while, I would spend the first part of my day working on housework before Vivian got up. That way, once she got up, I could focus on her and then I could read my Bible while she nursed.

But each day, I felt like my whole brain was consumed by this never-ending obsession with staying on top of the to-do list. My entire day had this underlying current of rushing to get the house to stay in order. Try as I might to slow down and spend time with Vivian, this urgent undercurrent persisted. I think what was happening was that my brain was starting out in the basic pattern of being a homemaking machine.

A machine. I've often felt like a machine as a mother dealing with feeding issues. I need to hold the house together and keep Vivian alive. I will work and work and work again to stay on stop of it. To fight when no one else will. And certainly not let my emotions get in the way. Never let myself be a person because then I might unravel.

What I have found is that taking the first moments of my day for myself, to read my Bible and journal and watch the sun come up with a lit candle in the window. It changes my heart. It changes the structure of my thoughts. It actually does something to me. It lets me be a person. It structures the neuropathways of my brain differently. It gives me a chance to be.

And to realize that God is on His throne. I don't have to be a machine because He is holding it all together.

That's my advice. Mom, start your day...

Being.