Relating

God is enough. Altogether enough. We say we know this; but often we look a little bit like the pagan nations worshipping the sun god.

Our idolatry problem in the US often looks like an idealization of romantic relationships.

I struggle with this one too. This post is really just me penning the thoughts and whispers of my heart as I've spent hours in God's presence the last several months. If this post leaves you confused, maybe it's because I'm still just processing how the mechanics of this reality works.

But first, here are a few components that have made it seem in my life like God is not enough:

1. Mental health struggles

2. Abusive relationships

3. The idea that I don't need community

Mental Health Struggles

There are certain mental health diagnoses that actually involve feeling a deep sense of emptiness. This can be due to brain chemicals and brain shape. for example, a smaller amygdala than average. In other words, sometimes that feeling that God isn't enough is a biological issue. Even if we grew up in a pretty decent family, this sort of issue can hit pretty hard. When mixed with our sinful natures, it does not take long before we experience idolatry concerning relationships. Perhaps it comes like a desperate need for a romantic relationship, or perhaps it comes from a hunger to prove ourselves to others. (I've struggled extensively with both of these things.) Regardless, I've found that sometimes it takes therapy and medication for us to wrap our brains around this simple truth. God is enough. God is more than enough.

Abusive Relationships

Being told by a parent that you are unloved or will never amount to anything can cause a desperate desire to prove one's worth to others. When one has experienced hate instead of love or a distorted form of love from one's closest relationships, think what a deep deficit can be felt by the time one reaches adulthood? I know for many of you, the ache is real. The hurt has been ongoing for a long time. I find that neglect is perhaps the worst form of abuse because it is so hard to even pinpoint as abuse. A child that has been neglected feels a sense of aloneness and wonders why she is not being loved and cared for. Did she do something wrong? Or is it the parent? The child starts to think that perhaps they are so unloved that they are invisible. They are so unworthy that their parents don't even have time to acknowledge their existence.

Or perhaps the abuse came later in life from a relationship. It might involve shaming through verbal abuse and put-downs or subtle comments and manipulation. Have you ever tried to share that your feelings are hurt only to find yourself apologizing to the other person for hurting their feelings? That is a sure sign that you are being manipulated.

These feelings can leave us with such a deficit in our human connections that it is hard to see past the pain and find true fulfillment in our relationship with God.

The Need for Community

I believe that the more we heal from these wounds deeply rooted either in the structure of our brains or the abuse that we've been through, the more we will start to be able to see clearly just how thoroughly God fulfills the deepest longings of our hearts.

When we are abused and misunderstood, we have access to God's throne of grace through Jesus Christ.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16

God will truly understand our sufferings and see us for who we are more deeply than anyone else ever could. Sometimes these mental health struggles act as a veil that makes it hard for us to feel His presence, but it doesn't make the truth of His presence any less real. He is still enough. He loves us more than anyone else ever could. And He knows and understands us as only He can.

No earthly relationship will ever compare to that. The emptiness you feel and the desperate longing for connection and intimacy is designed to point you to Him.

So, what do I do when I still feel empty and desperate for intimacy after I've spent days in His presence?

1. Seek a mental health professional to rule out an underlying condition.

2. Prayerfully work through traumatic things that have happened to you in the past.

3. Seek God more than ever, acknowledging that HE is enough even when you don't feel it.

4. BUT also seek community within the body of Christ. (The Church)

God designed us for community. He designed us for deeply emotionally fulfilling relationships with each other. Sometimes these are friendships in which we share our deepest darkest secrets with a sister in Christ. If that friend responds with unconditional love, it is a special moment in which God is using that friend to show us what His love feels like.

God designed us for a beautiful kind of intimacy with our spouse in which we can share and listen as the other person shares. In order for this relationship to fulfill this deep longing for connection in our hearts, it must involve mutual respect and a willingness to seek to understand the other person truly. When the connection is unhealthy it's supposed to feel sad and icky.

The ache is a cue that something isn't as God intended it.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do is to pray. Pray for lasting friendships. Pray for a deep sense of support. Pray for a solid church. Pray for unconditional love. Pray for our spouses. Pray for our needs.

And slowly take the time to open up and share organically and honestly. One day, perhaps we will find that as we are real with people, they will be real with us. A true connection is not born of desperation or dumping our problems on another. True connection is a long journey of mutual respect that grows and develops overtime like a budding flower.

When We Sabotage Connection

And then there is the challenge that arises when we sabotage our own relationships. I've caught myself doing this many times due to biological mental health issues as well as trauma related coping mechanisms. Here are some ways that I sabotage my relationships-

1. I tell myself the story that someone is mad at me or doesn't want to be my friend anymore when they don't respond to my messages with an overflow of kindness.

If you don't deal with this, you probably think this is an odd way to respond. It sounds a bit like paranoia, and in a way it is. But think about it. When you're used to being mistreated, you come to expect it. It takes a conscious effort to challenge these beliefs with what I know to be facts. If you deal with this "story telling problem" remember to keep training your heart to evaluate the facts and take deep breaths in those moments.

2. I create a conflict to force the other person to pay attention to me.

This is another weird way of responding perhaps. Maybe you know someone who creates drama when everything is fine. It might be because they feel unseen. Try to show them love even when they are difficult. Even then they may...

3. Push you away when you try to show kindness.

This can be due to trauma early in life. If they had a parent that was sometimes present and sometimes distant, they can learn that any kindness will be received for a while only to be lost later. As a coping mechanism to prevent pain, the individual may push away anyone who tries to get close.

If you encounter someone who tries to get close really quickly only to push away as soon as you reciprocate, this is probably due to an internal conflict on their part. They long for close relationships, but are afraid of being abandoned later, so they are the one to do the abandoning.

Just typing this out makes me realize how difficult this must be for those who are friends with those of us who struggle with these things. It's hard. It's hard for all of us. It takes years of pushing past these fears to find lasting relationships.

Two things that I try to keep in mind are -

1. Relationships take time to build. I can't just throw myself into a deep relationship. I need to take my time. When I do that, the relationship can build with a greater sense of depth and security.

2. I need to remember that just because someone hurts me, that does not mean that they are abandoning me. It doesn't mean a rejection. It means that they are human as am I.

This was an extra long post today. I really just wanted to to process with you all the things I've been working through this year concerning mental health and relationships. This may very well be the most vulnerably I've ever shared. These struggles are embarrassing, and admitting to them is hard. But my hope is that in sharing this with the few people that read this blog, I can give you some tools for your own relationships and for helping you to understand the friendships that are the most difficult in your life. Don't give up on us if we are trying to change. Keep walking with us through these hardships. We can do this together. And slowly but surely, I believe we can build healthy lasting relationships that are rooted in the deepest relationship of all, our relationship with Jesus Christ, our Savior.