The Pain of Motherhood

              “To the woman He said, ‘I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.” Genesis 3:16 ESV

I am glad that I nannied when I was younger. I never had any vision of motherhood being easy thanks to those experiences. In fact, quite the opposite. I was well aware of the hardships and wondered if I would ever be able to enjoy motherhood. When I was fifteen, I watched two twin two-year-olds and a seven-month-old, for twelve hours. I have never felt so tired or been so overwhelmed before or since. They cried in a loop for several hours straight. That experience impacted me and prepared me for how difficult motherhood could be.

Now, as a mother of an almost two-month-old, I carry that memory with me and realize that so far, nothing has been quite as bad as that experience. I think part of why it is easier now is that I love my daughter so much, I sometimes forget that I am doing hard work to keep her safe. At the same time, it is hard work.

The verse above talks about pain in childbirth, but I have also heard that the word for pain in this verse could also be translated toil or hard work. I don’t think there is a mother out there who can deny the hard work, the toil, involved in parenting.

And that hard work extends far beyond the hours of childbirth and into the raising of the child. And there is emotional pain associated with motherhood.

I don’t think I have ever had such a broken heart for another person before. Watching her drowsy and out of it when she had jaundice. Watching her scream when the nurses drew blood from her heel over and over and over again. Watching her writhe in hunger pains because her tongue tie would not allow her to eat. Feeling her chubby hands cling to me in desperation and terror after we had to do a stretch on the wound of her tongue tie.

I never anticipated this. I never thought my heart would break for another person or desire so much to see that person be okay.

 My heart breaks every day for this little human.

And I know that my heart will continue to break for this baby as she crawls and walks and hits her head. As she learns her first word and then realizes how mean other people’s words can be. As she takes in the world around her and sees the pain of others. As I discover her propensity to sin. As I see her first crush break her heart. As I watch her try and fail. As I discipline her, and it hurts her heart even though she needs it. As she experiences loss.

My heart will never stop breaking.

All I can do is never stop being here for her. Always cheering the best version of her on. Always praying she will see the love of Jesus and that THAT will keep her heart safe and protected. I will model resilience to inspire her. I will offer a shoulder to cry on when the going gets tough. I will talk with her through her big emotions. I will be consistent and firm to help her see her sin and her need of Jesus, and she will become better for it. I will hold the hope of eternity with Jesus in my heart as the hope that will carry her through.

Vivian, I am sorry for this sinful world. But you know, you will always have me. Imperfect though I be, I am here for you. I will always be proud to be your mom.

Mothers, I send you a hug today. I see the heartbreak. I know it is hard to watch your little one struggle. May we rally in prayer for the hearts and the struggles of our little ones, knowing that God can use all of these things for His glory. But I’m still sorry your heart breaks.

I’m still just sorry.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 NIV