When Mother's Day is Hard

In my last blog post, I shared how the phrase "when God closes a door, He sometimes opens a window" could better be phrased "when God closes a window, He opens a door."

That is who the God of the Bible is.

I was fired from a job last year and had some confusing hurdles to work through, but as I trusted God to bring good out of my mess, I started to see a new and beautiful plan unfold. I was incredibly thrilled to realize that my husband and I were expecting a baby. Now I understood what God had been doing. He had been working a difficult plan of sanctification in my heart to prepare me and my husband for this new season of life. He had let me be removed from some things in preparation for something deeply meaningful, a new ministry every bit as fulfilling as any I had been a part of before.

Then the sonogram showed that there was no heartbeat. I waited and prayed in faith. But, at last my body realized our "Sprout" had gone to Heaven.

It is incredible to think that I got to be a part of the process of growing the life of a human being. How incredible to think and pray for a human being who has a hope and future, who's every moment was divinely seen and prepared by God.

This was just last week; and now, it is only a few days from Mother's Day. It's still settling in that I have the honor of claiming that title for the very first time. Mom. And yet, Mother's Day will look different for me than how it will look for most. But I am comforted in the truth that my deepest longings for my child have been fulfilled.

I had prayed that Sprout would never experience trauma as I have. Even when I was a teenager, my prayer began -"God, if nothing else; draw the children I will one day have to You. To know You as Savior and LORD. To find the deepest love and life in You."

My prayer was answered. The biggest door that could be opened to my child, opened wide. This first-born child of mine will never have to experience the pain this world brings. Sprout will never receive a distorted view of life. Sprout will never be told anything ugly or mean. Sprout will experience no trauma and no heartache. Sprout will experience perfect love from a parent [God] who can do more for Sprout than I ever could. Sprout will experience the joy of the Savior in perfect mental health for all eternity. My prayer has fully been answered above and beyond anything I could have ever hoped for. God does indeed open doors when windows are shut.

And yet, when I see a picture of a chubby hand gripping a finger, it gets me. I don't get to let my baby wrap their little chubby hand around my finger. Not for a moment.

I know there are so many mothers out there with this same story. Perhaps Mother's Day leaves a gaping hole. Sometimes these holes are left by the loss of a child, or the wish that has never been fulfilled. Some mothers feel the complicated emotion of the rejection of a child or the pain of watching a child suffer.

Motherhood is as full of pain as it is blessing, I should think.

To those of us dealing with this strange season of waiting, longing, wishing, hoping, grieving; may we remember that God promises to comfort us, and we are not alone.

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18